my life is out of control. ok, not in an addicted-to-drugs-becoming-a-crack-whore sort of way, but definitely not good. i keep being such a bitch to people i care about because i'm afraid they don't care which just drives them away more. and i want so desperately to feel loved. i don't know why feeling loved is quite so scary for me though... i guess because for someone to love me they really have to know me, even the sad, angry, hurt parts, the lies in my past and the baggage i come with. and i don't want people to have to see those things. i act like i do. like i'm this open and honest person who loves spilling her guts for everyone and being close to people, but let's be honest - it's all a facade. i'm scared to be alone, and i'm scared to be close, so i wind up feeling paralyzed and acting like the selfish bitch i'm so good at being.

i just want to feel loved and i want to stop fearing that the first person i let truly see me is going to be disgusted and run away.

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